Sense and Sensibility...

Often times I find myself so relate-able to characters in stories. I find that I am in part Eowyn from Rohan, I am Christine Diae from the Opera House. But recently I have watched the movie "Sense and Sensibility". In it I have understood myself. It has played a nearly final role in this part of my personality. In this movie Elanor is the oldest sister out of three. Her father dies leaving them destitute. Her mother is devastated and cannot go about her duties so Elanor picks up the reins. Shes bears every burden, is entrusted with every secret (even the ones she never thought she would hear). When she finally finds what she believes is true love, it leaves suddenly. Edward comes back into her life but not physically. An un-welcomed friend confides in Elanor her deepest of secrets. She has been engaged to Edward for five years. Elanor has to endure this, she has given her word not to tell a soul. This reserved sister has to now keep a secret in that breaks her heart every moment of her waking life. Until, by chance, This friend Lucy falls for Edwards brother; Robert. In the end, Edward finally spills all to Elanor. He loves her and is giving his full heart towards her. All she could do between sobs was smile. Hysterical from keeping all of that emotion in for the past months. 
Sometimes I feel like Elanor Dashwood. So proud, yet so willing to let others be in the lead. Our pride comes from within and from our souls. We cannot let people in. There are walls which a sledgehammer could not break if it wanted to. We are so afraid that our vulnerability will make us out the fool that we never show too much emotion. Here, I will give you an example. 
Say I really like this guy who I know, but the only emotions I show are friendship and distance. My heart wont allow me to show what I really feel. I am not saying I should tell him flat out "Hey you! I like you a lot and we should get married and make babies!". No that would not accomplish anything. But if you show no interest, he will show no interest. 
Back to the story. Elanor has the duty pressed upon her to tell Edward that there is a way for him and Lucy Steel to be married right away. She convinces herself that he is doing his duty and she should not interfere. Had she said "I love you Edward, don't marry her!" things might have turned out differently. But she didn't and Edward convinced himself that she felt only friendship towards him. 
A wiser woman than me gave me some advice about men. When you don't show them that you are at least interested, they wont go for it. They wont want to pursue you. Why knock on a locked safe with bars and a guard dog. 
It is our vulnerability that makes us who we are. God made us all unique. In our own ways we can share and love. He gave us that ability. But being human and flawed, we don't always see how beautiful we are. Beautiful disasters, but beautiful. Creations of God. Yes we are wretched sinners but that is not all. Christ died so we could live. Relationships and Marriage are apart of Gods plan for our lives. Hollywood has nothing to do with it. Even though I just gave you a run down on a Hollywood movie. 
Sometimes I want so badly just to be loved by someone. Not like in the movies where they ride off into the sunset together, but truly loved. Committed. God calls us not to marry based on love but to love the man or woman you marry. Because that love commitment is what God intended in marriage. Not some passion flame that looks like love. Passion and romance grow in your relationships. 
I know I am rambling with this. Its kindof just a stream of thought really. But I wanted to get it down before I forget and maybe, just maybe, another like me can understand themselves a little better. 


Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
   If this be error and upon me proved,
   I never writ, nor no man ever loved. 
Shakespeare's Sonnet 116